To Imane, pt 63

The question, what do I want you to do?

I sort of implied maybe that even though I don't want Greta to share the idea, I want you to share it. I think I said that the best outcome would be if you and her shared it, maybe after talking, but I can't remember if I said I wanted that.

Imagine that someone I know died a terrible death. Then you ask, what would it take for me to be happy? I am just a normal human, and many people with my characteristics are happy. My age doesn't matter. The situation is basically the same as when Sherine said that she loved me, 12 years ago, and though I didn't really ignore what she said, I didn't really see how it affected me.

So that's how to think of it. If someone I know died a terrible death, I would want to address the reasons that this happened.

I don't know whether to think that something as bad as this has happened. Does Mei still remember me? Does Kate still remember me? Does other Kate or Katy still remember me? Would my oldest sister have had a different life if people had used the idea, or if I had never thought of it, or if I had never met Mei? In general, has people not using the idea since I thought of it in 2011 led to outcomes that anyone who might care about me would consider very bad, like their own death?

I thought of the circumstances surrounding the second time that I cried so hard my fingers and nose and cheeks went numb. This was all about what Mei did or didn't do or what I expected would happen. I think it's fair to say that leading up to it, I wanted Mei to act in a way that would have prevented me from thinking that the future would be sad. I try to avoid saying exactly what it was that I wanted Mei to do that she didn't do because it could seem like a criticism — the line, 「でもね　少しくらい叱ってくれたっていいのよ？」 (basically all memory on my computer was used up and it started lagging from having this single web page open: https://vocaloid.fandom.com/wiki/ワールドイズマイン_(World_is_Mine)) from Hatsune Miku's World is Mine, which Mei linked to me, notwithstanding.

Although I did not correctly estimate the exact probability that it could occur, one of the possible sad things that could happen was someone else liking me.

So: pretend that someone I know died a terrible death. What do you do?