Poll: "If someone had a belief that was harmful to you, and you could change that belief with a single word, would you do so?"
It ends up being a bad poll. It isn't relevant for most people; it is basically only relevant to the specific belief that someone doesn't know you exist. And, even if I wasn't restricting myself from doing anything and there was a place that I could make polls that would get sufficient engagement, I would not be able to justify creating this poll, due to lacking a motive to do so. I said that I would stop expecting you or trying to get you to share this idea, and I am trying to keep that 'promise'.
I have said that I thought you weren't aware of this idea and didn't know I exist. I have never explicitly said the opposite: that I thought you were receiving and reading my emails.
On one hand, I think this is entirely defensible: it's a little crazy to think that you read the emails from me. There was a video in which you were warning people about a scam, and people in comments (YouTube or Reddit) were saying that it was unrealistic because the story required that you were reading emails sent to you yourself, instead of someone else filtering them. Almost no one wants to be seen as crazy, including me (I don't want to be seen as crazy). And so I am reluctant to admit to having thoughts that people would think are crazy.
But for this same reason, if those 'crazy' thoughts are in fact true, then you might feel some degree of criticism of me for prioritizing what other people think of me, over truth and transparency.
Of course, this is the thinking that many 'crazy' people (people whom others evaluate to be crazy) experience, including people who might be viewed as stalkers etc. It's dangerous thinking, and this is part of why people should try to be truthful, and expect others to be truthful.
The short on your podcast channel features a snippet of you saying, "it's either like ring husband or it's like, I don't know". This, and you holding up your hand while saying it, might have reminded me that wedding rings and engagement rings serve the practical purpose of letting people know someone's relationship status. I honestly might not have remembered this since before learning about your ring, several months ago.
I think I also remembered a few days ago that I had sent an email to someone, which had mentioned you, which was possibly before you chose to buy yourself a ring.
So, basically, this post is about secrets. As with the poll, if you wanted me to think that you know I exist, you could reply with a single word, or even send a blank email. But in what case might someone answer "no" to the poll? The obvious case is when, despite the belief being harmful to you, it is helpful to someone else, such as the person holding the belief.
It's difficult to see why you might think, if you do know me, that I benefit from this being a secret. But what about other people? Specifically, what about Sherine? I had said to Sherine that I would never admit that I didn't want her to share the idea.
I could have said, instead, that I wanted her to share the idea. My actual words did not convey any information about whether this was true. It's reasonable to say that this was intentional, since I am smart and tend to point out any important mistakes of mine that I notice.
I never said that I wanted her to block me, or to not reply to most of what I said. I'm actually not sure if she ever acknowledged anything I said on Chirp Club, except for the first post on my third account in which (as I had warned her) I sent a message to her crush.
Oh, at some point I was going to mention the song, 【GUMI】嘘とダイヤモンド【オリジナル曲PV付】. Lyrics:
Scared to project my unadorned figure, I apply lies.
('utsusu' being the transitive form of 'utsuru')
But did her not talking to me help me? Points:
- if there is a government conspiracy, it seems very likely to be because of Sherine's actions and the dilemma she created
- I was happy that I did not have a smartphone, because if I did, then I might have felt an obligation to try to talk to her on it using Snapchat or whatever, and she might have sent me illegal images
- if she had talked to me, then I would not have been stuck on the point of "does Sherine care about the idea and has she shared it"
- if Sherine had really tried to get people to use the idea but failed, and no one else like Yoko Ono had then shared the idea, then I would probably have stopped doing anything with it and acted like it will never be used, since Sherine's actions would have created an obligation from me towards her
- I had said to Sherine that I had no intention of dying, and people not sharing the idea has had danger for me, since I remain poor without health care, at risk of getting cancer, etc. So from a survival perspective, it seems fair to say that her not talking to me didn't benefit me
So there is no proof, but I interpret it as being like that song: that Sherine pretended that she had influence because she was afraid of the possibility that she did not. One cannot even say that if this is what she thought, then her actions were for her own or my benefit: Sherine did not immediately know it, but in one of the first of the emails I sent to the US Federal Bureau of Investigation and other people at the time, I mentioned Sherine. So there was the possibility that people did not reply to me or do anything because I had mentioned Sherine, implying that she was important, even though at that time she had not replied to me or done anything except (I think) to stop talking and posting things.
Ok, I think by then she had posted photos of herself ... well, based on the 'temp comment.txt' file that I included in an image archive in 2014, I said to her "You're pretty" on 25 May 2013, which was over a month after I first sent her a message. There was the photo or two where she had her nose close to the camera or something so it looked too big, but I'm not sure if she posted that just before I said to her "You're pretty", or a month earlier.
Later in the same song, "Lies and diamond":
What I was holding wasn't a gemstone (宝石) at all, just a pebble (石ころ).
The fact that nothing important has happened in the past 13 years doesn't mean that Sherine made the wrong choice in keeping secrets. It's easy to criticize, and say that another path should have been taken. But, as I said before, I 'protected' Sherine by implying that it could be possible that I didn't want her to immediately share the idea, since that seemed to be what she was doing, even though it might just have been that she didn't see my tweet about Lebanon in time and would have acted differently if she had.
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