Unplanned confession

To Imane, aka Pokimane, again. A normal person makes conclusions based on evidence. One piece of evidence that I use to conclude that you don't know me is the video, "get to know me pt 2" that you posted on TikTok and Instagram. It let me know how to pronounce your name (silent 'e'), but you also stated, "i plan for my next partner to be my husband".

I try to act in a way that discourages the possibility from occurring, but if I had to get married to get people to use the idea, I would do it. It just makes sense.

I feel that I am, at this moment, someone who still cares about certain people. Like the person Kate mentioned on this site, who seems to have lost her first Chirp Club account and made a second account on which her only activity was to message a male adult content creator, and whom I haven't tried to email in 13 years. She only emailed me once, in Dec 2010, after the events I mentioned before and was going to say more about later in this post. She might not have thought of me in years; despite the excuse of not being a native English speaker, the language mistakes on her second post on her first account suggest she might not have understood this idea, if she read my emails about it; and yet I would like to be able to say, like a character in the film Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon as translated for the original DVD, "I would rather be a ghost, drifting by your side as a condemned soul, than enter heaven without you."

About the post titled "Entropy": https://daughterofankh.blogspot.com/2010/12

I checked the date, for science, via chat logs. The night that I stayed outside the public library was Dec 8 to 9, so 12:47 on Dec 10 was well into the next day, when I was at a hotel.

I would, of course, post the chat logs if it was relevant. These ones would not contain anything particularly embarrassing. I feel like Mei is someone who values the truth, and benefit to the world, over any potential embarrassment to herself.

According to (a) Wikipedia (editor), Napoleon III's last words when he died in 1873 were, ' "Isn't it true that we weren't cowards at Sedan?", directed at Henri Conneau, his attendant who fought in the battle alongside him.'

In what in fact turns out to be a footnote in the Book of Five Rings, which reveals that this version which I happened to have bookmarked must have been the same edition that I read years ago, someone who was less famous than the author of that book is quoted as having wrote,

The Way of the warrior is death. This means choosing death whenever there is a choice between life and death. It means nothing more than this. It means to see things through, being resolved. Sayings like "To die with your intention unrealized is to die uselessly", and so on, are from the weak Kyoto, Osaka Bushido. They are unresolved as to whether to keep to their original plan when faced with the choice of life and death.

For science, I checked my chat logs from the day when I was at the library, and am pasting basically the last page of the logs here:

(03:32:35 PM) Lillium: i'd get annoyed, probably be intolerable and we'd never talk again?  How many times do I have to say I'm not interested in a relationship? At all.
(03:32:55 PM) Misaki: mm that'd be fine, i still want to
(03:33:38 PM) Lillium: If you already know the result, then there isn't much point.
(03:34:02 PM) Misaki: maybe i just want sex!
(03:34:54 PM) Lillium: Then why ask me. Not like there arn't plenty of people who don't require travel time. And are probably far more willing.
(03:35:31 PM) Misaki: but they aren't you, so~
(03:42:41 PM) Lillium: ... Fake blizzard emails about cata beta invite. Hmm
(03:42:46 PM) Lillium: China missed the memo I guess.
(03:43:58 PM) Lillium: anyways~ off for now.
(03:44:07 PM) Misaki: address~
(03:44:39 PM) Lillium: No -_-;
(07:34:44 PM) Misaki: library is closing, need address~
(07:34:44 PM) Message could not be sent because the user is offline:
(07:34:44 PM) library is closing, need address~
(07:34:55 PM) Misaki: test
(07:34:55 PM) Message could not be sent because the user is offline:
(07:34:55 PM) test
(07:35:04 PM) Misaki: test
(07:35:04 PM) Message could not be sent because the user is offline:
(07:35:04 PM) test
(07:35:13 PM) lyciena@hotmail.com is now known as a.

System log for account r[redacted]@yahoo.com (msn) connected at Thu 09 Dec 2010 10:13:58 AM PST
---- +++ r[redacted]@yahoo.com signed on @ 12/09/2010 10:13:58 AM ----
---- Misaki (r[redacted]@yahoo.com) changed status from Offline to Available @ 12/09/2010 10:13:58 AM ----
---- Lillium (l[redacted]@hotmail.com) changed status from Offline to Available @ 12/09/2010 01:15:52 PM ----
---- Misaki (r[redacted]@yahoo.com) changed status from Available to Away @ 12/09/2010 07:34:58 PM ----
---- Misaki (r[redacted]@yahoo.com) changed status from Away to Available @ 12/09/2010 07:35:02 PM ----
---- +++ r[redacted]@yahoo.com signed off @ 12/09/2010 07:35:06 PM ----

So what would have happened if I had sent a message earlier in those four hours, before the library closed? Would I have sent an email like, "I am staying outside the library again", and then died? After I did send a message, four hours later, when it was already cold and dark, did not doing this make me a coward? Am I someone who would take an action most likely to lead to someone being happy, even if I died, or am I only willing to appear to risk death as a future possibility that can still be averted?

One could make a joke about how this is a question I don't know the answer to.

Also, of course, one could speculate that I tricked Mei into not agreeing to meet me, in order to benefit Kate. But what if that isn't true?