The mountain

Most people want to be seen as attractive, at least to someone. That someone does not necessarily even exist; it might be, "the version of you who is smart enough to understand what I'm doing and why". It might be, "someone who will know what I did, which is no one".

I could unpublish the last two posts. I had already thought I might unpublish the one titled 'Sand'. Really the title was about waves erasing things drawn in the sand, though it also became an allusion to the sorites paradox, because it uses sand (honestly until I just looked it up, I assumed sorites meant sand). I think I look bad, and unattractive, whether I leave them up or hide them.

I might have acted differently if I had fallen asleep two hours ago. But I remained awake, and I wanted to give an explanation for my actions, which might be unimportant, but if important may seem unusual.

I just thought of an event with my national guard unit, in mid-2008, before leaving to go to Iraq. I'm not even completely sure this event occurred, which is part of the reason it put me in a bad mood to think of it. It was at a place, maybe not a park, but an outdoors place away from the city. Since I have never had a car (I was the only member of my unit who took a bus to reach the training armory each month), someone else had to pick me up to drive me there, probably the NCO in charge of my section.

It was more for people with families to socialize. There was a sort of hill or tiny mountain next to where the people were, and I spent a lot of the event walking on the trails of the mountain, surrounded by trees. I had thoughts which I no longer remember, but I think some of those thoughts might have been about how no one else would know the thoughts I was having at that time. If I had that thought, then because I have forgotten what kinds of thoughts I had, that thought would have been true.

It just shows the passing of time.

Sort of like with me never having had the opportunity to watch fireworks with anyone, only by myself, and then forgetting the experience.

I think there was a sort of canal and path for walking and biking, next to the event area. If looking from the event area towards the canal, the mountain was to the left.

Maybe I didn't have cell phone coverage, and I thought, "what if Mei tried to call me then?" Even though she had never called me before.