To Pokimane, pt 38

Doing a thing until I can no longer keep doing it. TTL5 Silver Playoff #3! (Gabi vs Bad Koala):

 

I've watched the first four games.

Not doing something because you don't have information about it isn't a mistake. It isn't useful advice to say to someone, "you should react faster when you get attacked in an unexpected location". It can be a mistake to be too focused on a particular area, but a spectator cannot describe the circumstances and priorities which determine where to focus one's attention.

It is a mistake when someone is looking at an area but makes a bad decision. At 43:21, Gabi rushes the tower but does not wall its four sides to trap the five villagers inside of it. No one does this, but it's the best play, and to not do it is a mistake. The caster comments that she "could quickwall this", but I'm not sure if he understands how ungarrison mechanics interact with walls, and how to fully trap the units without them being able to escape to the right. When Gabi walls in production buildings, like at 41:00, she unnecessarily walls the corners, and so might not be aware that walling the four sides of a tower traps the villagers.

At 1:02:07, she could have run her army to her ships just north of the fighting. (I thought the houses being built at 1:02:30 were kind of funny.)

The thought that I had was that "I am trying, by not trying". I have avoided mentioning the North Wind and the Sun, which probably a surprising number of people are unaware of, because if I was not trying to get you to share the idea, then it wasn't relevant. But, like, it was supposed to be that if I was enjoying myself, then Greta wouldn't get upset from thinking that her not sharing the idea was making me unhappy.

There are various things that players could do to perform better. People are more likely to listen to me if I can show that I am a competent player, which will not happen unless people share the idea. (When I could actually play AoE2, before my computer's fan broke and then the replacement fan that I paid for using Covid money got lost in transit due to Covid problems, it took something like 6 hours to play a 1.5 hour single-player game due to all the pausing that was needed for the UI to register actions and update itself.) So it's too difficult for me to enjoy watching people play when someone I want to win makes mistakes, and I can't do anything about it. I'm not ashamed to say that I hope Gabi won this set, as the best female player in AoE2 (she lost to another female player, Guki, in a tournament a year ago, but Guki does not seem to be active right now).

There was a time when I deliberately didn't reply, which was the last time Elyse emailed me. I was uncertain if her account had been hacked (or if my old email address had been hacked and started sending out spam), as the email didn't seem to make sense, but it's true that I didn't attempt to reply. And less than a year after that, I didn't reply to an email from Mei, and she might have thought it was intentional. A month or two later I had forgotten this email and was not sure if I had deliberately not replied or what had happened, and the same is true now, that I don't know why I didn't reply.

So the thing that I said is not to be tolerated is something that I may have done in the past. Wasn't sure if I should mention all of this.

So the question, do I want you to like me?

Maybe no one ever talks like this. I sort of asked Mei if she wanted me to like her, but I did it by referencing an email I had sent her by asking, "you know I'm crazy, right?" and she replied, "only a little".

Tangent: https://daughterofankh.blogspot.com/2011/12/king.html

the best way to get close to people is to make yourself seem less than you are, or

the best way to get close to people is to make yourself seem more than you are.

I just describe myself the way I am. For example, "I have never been on a date." Is this a good thing or a bad thing? In the drama, Everyone Loves Me, EP15, it's implied that this could be a good thing. But a common opinion is that a male with no experience must be unattractive. So, am I making myself seem more than I am, or less than I am? Am I trying to get closer to people or to push them away?

Maybe I am trying to make myself think that you don't like me, but I'm not trying to make you not like me. But there are considerations. Obviously, it doesn't matter if you like me if you don't talk to me. Although I am poor, maybe you don't care. What does matter is the idea. It's clear that if people don't use the idea, I will never be in a relationship. So, possibilities:

1) You don't share the idea, but you're confident that someone else will share it, like maybe Greta. I said that I wouldn't watch any more dramas unless you shared the idea, but maybe this outcome is still fine.

2) You don't share it and can't say whether anyone else will share it. It makes sense then to think that it will never be used, and therefore that you would be happier if you liked someone else, with whom you could actually expect to be in a relationship.

 

There was a quote from a TV show, which I think was the Singaporean drama Heroes in Black (2001). It was something I saw on an actual TV (I didn't own a computer at the time) in a common area of the house that I lived at, in the days or weeks when I was waiting to be shipped off for US army basic training. "Loves begs not for eternity, just for once to be a reality."

I stopped using or thinking of this quote after I mentioned it to Mei, before she left for Japan (a few months after the aforementioned events, with the unanswered email and me going crazy etc.), and she said that it wouldn't make her happy if we met.

There was a comic that I linked in the last mass email I sent about this idea, in early 2013 (just before Mei's birthday, which naturally was the reason I was stopping my emails at that time). I won't bother to look it up or describe it. But compare it to the seated dialogue scene between the two older characters in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000). (I remember in the director's commentary, a discussion about how this scene could have been placed at other points in the film.) Just generally, the idea of people doing the things they think they ought to do, instead of what they want to do.

So, it's possible to like someone even if you never end up in a relationship with them, as with the older characters in that film. And it's possible that when I just said above that "if people don't use the idea, I will never be in a relationship", I was wrong. But if people don't use the idea, then there is a slightly higher risk of death from like mass shootings and so on, or global pandemics that are handled poorly by all countries except for China, which actually contained the very infectious Omicron variant in Shanghai, which was the early 2022 spike in China's total cases.

Also see the video that I linked to Demi Rose Mawby (Mecha Love by Hadouken) and also linked in an email or post in mid-2012, with lyrics "you wanted the world, you wanted it all".

What's it going to be then, eh?